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8/15/2025
Depression is absolutely miserable. I mean, obviously. What I mean is coping with the symptoms of depression is miserable.
Today was meant to be a productive day, I had to get up early to get my parking pass for this year and picked up one of my perscriptions. I was going to go home and then do something, I don't know what, but something. I was going to head to my basement where the computer is and work on this site, but here I am at 9pm finally working on the website. I spent over 4 hours of my day lying in bed half awake doing nothing. Normally I can at least daydream and work on writing ideas in my head, but today I could hardly do that. I had plenty of energy, I could've worked out, wrote something, gone out of the house. But I couldn't get up.
Thats the scary thing about the combination of depression and ADHD, some days your body gets completely hijacked, cut off from your mind. The combo of both disorders makes Exectutive Function hell. It takes twice the effort for me to do anything. Hell, I was meant to practice for an audition today, I just couldn't get my body and mind to cooperate with what I wanted. So I laid in bed all day, half daydreaming, half just laying there, doing nothing. I know I don't have it the worst. I mean, I've had it worse before, I'm medicated now for a reasion. It just makes me feel miserable. I feel like at this point I should be able to push through it, to do something. But it's not in my control. And thats scary.
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8/14/2025
The other night I decided to put a time limit on Youtube. There's about a million reasons I did this but the two main reasons are the implimentation of essensially manditory age verification and my dopamine addiction.
I use Youtube to study, but recently, I've been unable to get myself off the app. This is largely due to the Youtube Shorts feature. The short form content combined with infinite scrolling is a dopamine tar pit for anyone, but especially me due to my ADHD. This is why I deleted TikTok a few years ago, I couldn't stop myself from opening the app and losing hours to mindless scrolling. It scares me that it's so easy to get trapped like that. I know it's by design and that just makes it scarier.
Furthermore, I put a limit to protect myself from the age verification feature. I don't fully understand how the new verification system works, but from what I've gathered Youtube has implimented an AI that essensially tracks the kinds of content you consume and uses that to determine if you're over 18. Then, if you are flagged as under 18 you have to prove that you are 18+ or have your account restricted. To verify your age Youtube wants your ID. It's all invasive and feels downright dystopian to me. I could go on about this for hours, but I'll save that for a later essay.
In summary, I limited my time on Youtube to protect myself and my time while still allowing me to use the site for school (since teachers love having you watch 1 hour videos for homework).
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